i think its really over.

So, I've spent all day today crying, I really think me and erik are over.
He said he wanted to break-up but still wanted to be friends.
But now he's saying he isnt sure if he wants to breakup and he's confused but no matter what we said we'll be friends. Ugh, my heart is litterally breaking right now and it sucks big time.

I messed up.

I messed up BIG time, and I'm going to lose my boyfriend because of it.
I can't believe i let myself do that?
I can't stop crying, yet i deserve no sympathy.
I'm the one who screwed up and im paying for it.
People don't look at me the same, my boyfriend treats me diffrently.
I don't think he'll forgive me. I don't think he'll trust me again.
I'm just a screw up in life.
Things would be so much better off without me that's for sure.

Today

So today was a pretty good day in general.
Although I am not to happy about the freezing cold weather.
Ever year it seems to get colder and colder during the winter.
It's only the beginning of October, why is it so cold?
This makes Canadian stereotypes about our weather seem so true.
Today I went to the football game, I made a bad mistake of wearing short shorts.
It poured rain and was freezing cold.
But we won, finally we never win cause we are a very terrible team.
None of the guys have any dicipline.

I was watching 90210 earlier
Oh man , When I first found out they were remaking 90210 I was so angry.
I said "I am never going to start watching that." But I did, and I'M ADDICTED TO IT.
Embarressing I know, It's my guilty pleasure.

I'm really hungry, I burnt off alot of calories from working out earlier but i didn't eat after.
Totally regretting that, because it isn't healthy to eat after 7pm and in my time zone it is officially 10:40pm.
So no food for kayla-rose.

So I'm just going to sleep instead which is a suprise suprise since I rarely sleep.
But I'm in much need of catching up on some Z's.

Goodnight =)

It's been a while

So I haven't made a post in a long while.
Manly because my internet wasn't fully functioning.
Plus school's back in session and I am oh so busy learning.
Alot has been going on, me and erik haven't been seeing much of each other. I can sense our relationship going down the tubes.
I'm getting serious feelings for another boy, I don't think this is going to end well for neither me or erik :(
I wish I could stay happy with him , but I'm not so who Am I kidding?

Self esteem

So, once again today my self esteem is really low, i hate feeling like i do all the time. Ninety persent of the time i just wanna sit at hme ad hide my hideous face under the blankets and stay away from the rest of the world. But i know that's not really possible. Like for example, today i was feeling incrediably awful today. Extreamly depressed and unhappy. I blew off my workout whihc makes me feel really fat +like a complete failure at life. I meani cant even keep a stupid workout schedual what is wrong with me? I smoked a big fat blunt which made me happy, but then i ate ALOT , and very unhealthy too :( So im sitting here feeling like a big, fat ogre, i can't wait to workout, im gonna workout EXTRA tomorrow, and maybie not eat tomorrow, God knows I ate enough today to last me a fucking week. Blah, but what kinda bugs me is my mom said I'm getting Obsessed with working out. She says i revolve my whole life around it ? What the hell? She also said  that its unhealthy that i get so upset when i don;t workout, and she said i do it too much? Is that possible. So i ended up being w/ my boyfriend tonight which also sucks caused my sex drive is rlly low, due to the hatred toward my body. :(

Haven't posted in a while

So, its been a while since I blogged.
It's not even like I've been busy, honestly, I've been sitting around in my house pretty much allday. Doing nothing but eat,workout, watch tv,workout, sleep.
Yeah, because my lovely boyfriend is on vacation all week and my bestfriend is camping like eight hours away from where i live. Two of my other friends are camping somewhere as well, Blah. So yeah I'm just laying in my moms room (cause its the coldest room in my house) because our central air is BROKEN. & its HOT in this house.
Listening to some escape the fate. Normally i don't like rock music. But escape the fate is simply amazing =) I'm listening to Situations by the way. Not that it has any importance. So on friday I'm leaving to go to Niagra falls =) I can't wait to get out of this city. I'm only gonna be there till sunday. I'm visiting some family. But I'm bringing my laptop with me.
Thats about all seeing as nothing has been happening so I have nothing to blog about.

My life :(

I don't understand why I feel this way.
I mean, an outsider looking in must think I have such a great life.
Atleast thats what my bestfriend Ashlee told me. She told me I have the most perfect life, andd that she was jealous. Is she serious? My life perfect? I highly doubt that. I seriously don't even understand the point of life right now. I'm spiriling downward fast, and I don't understand why, or how its happening. Like four months ago my life was going great. How can things change so fast. For years I was miserable, I guess it started in seventh grade. I was never happy, I hated life. I wanted to die and I felt like this for years, all the way up until the end of my freshman year. And then I met Erik, and for once in my life I felt like everything was going to be okay.
He showed me that life is good, and that everything works out. I was truly happy, but now I'm starting to be sad all the time, and I figured hey I must be having a bad few days, but days turned into weeks, weeks to months. I haven't been happy in a while, I'm not even 100% sure why. All I know is I've been depressed. But the thing is I've always been the girl people come to for advice. I don't let people in, I can't people just tend to dissapoint me whenever I let them in. I don't get the point of handing out your trust to someone, because it gives them the power to hurt you and betray you, I'll never let that happen to me ever again. So I keep everything to myself. But it gets so hard, its so hard right now. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I've made some pretty bad mistakes in this last few months and I've been trying hard to keep them a secret. But then again this gets hard. My heart is shaky, I have a loving, sweet, sensitive, funny amazing boyfriend. I should be estatic, he's perfect. But why aren't I? Why do I get all of these feelings that I don't want to be with him. I guess I'm confused about what I want. All I know is I seriously Am hurting and I have nobody to lean on. The world is one big scary place and I feel all alone in it and it really does hurt. Somedays I have to try so hard to keep my compure, to stay strong, to act happy. Other days I just feel like a zombie. I have everyone fooled. They all think I'm fine . I have this acting thing perfected. I'm not the girl everyone thinks I am.
I've always been a party girl, and probably always will but i think i might have a alchohl problem. I'm not really sure what the definition of a 'alchohol problem' is but i think I do.
Whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps I get drunk, is that bad? All I want is to be happy. I'm trying hard to be strong, trying to take the advice i give to other people. I always tell them to hold on and that things will get better, but how come I don't believe it myself?

I think I need help :(

Busy Busy Summer

Wow, so has this week ever been busy.
Friday and saturday I partied with one of my really close friends.
Whom I sort of had a fling with a little while ago.
Don't get me wrong, I Fstill have feelings for him. But I'm just trying to be his 'friend' and not anything else. But the night got kind of crazy. So sunday, I spent the day swimming at thee boyfriends and then going out to dinner at my grandparents house. Monday I had to work allday. Yesturday, was my lazy day, which i definately needed. Today I gotta get ready and leave for a BBQ soon, and then babysit my 10 year old cousin all night. Joy.
Tomorrow after the kid leaves I have plans to smoke weed with my friend katie, and then later that night drink with my friend stephanie, and end up sleeping at her home. Friday I have more drinking and smoking plans, but malling and going to bowling as well till about 1:00 in the morning. I'm unsure of my plans after that.

Blah, so yesturday I tried to make a post but for some reason it wasn't working properly.
So, yeah :D I don't know when I''ll get a free moment this week probably saturday morning before I go baby sit.

Love and kisses ,
kayla :)

Fun last night

So, I'm kinda sorta only waking up now and I wanted to make a quick post.
Because I had tons of fun last night and I wanna talk about it =)
So I was with my neighbour who happens to also be a very close friend of mine.
He was house sitting and he decided to have a few people over. We smoked alot of weed, went for walks at like four in the morning, ate alot, played madden, watched movies, blared some music and alot of people were getting freaky, stayed up all night came home and crashed till about 12:30. I'm probably going back there tonight except tonight we are getting alchohol. Which I have to be careful about cause get crazy when drunk.

Twitter

So, today I officially joined twitter.
Suprise suprise, these websites NAB people so quick and become so popular so fast.
I honestly don't know how. But the whole twitter phenomenom hasn't really hit my city yet. I don't really know anybody around where I live who actually has twitter. But then again, I always tend to join things before everyone else around here does.
Back when myspace was popular I joined way before everyone else. Everyone was like myspace thats gay. Cause they all rocked bebo.com. Haha, then facebook I joined before alot of everyone else did. Just a matter of time before everyone is tweeting on twitter. Ah well, I don't think I grasp the conscept very much. Oh and speaking of which about websites.

If anyone happens to read this and has herd about quizilla.com you guys should definately check it out. Its one of my favourite websites. Definately good for showing your creativity. You can write blogs, poems. song lyrics, stories and make quizes. Good stuff. My user name is Kayla Dolan in anyone one of you want to check it out. I'm in the process of making two stories.
One thats kinda based on One Tree Hill. And another that is completely my creative genius-ness. Its about this boarding school. I'm just getting started on it =)

Becoming an obsession

I think my whole "I want to be skinny and pretty" thing is starting to become an obsession. I worry about my looks all the time. I never ever find myself attractive. I see all these gorgeous girls and it makes me sad. Pathetic? I know but I can't help it. But I decided to make a little blog before I leave to go camping. Summer is going by pretty quickly. It hasn't really been anything special but oh well. I've been upset and frusturated by the simplest things lately. It makes me wonder to myself When did I become some emotional? I don't know its all confusing to me. I need to just try to push away negative thoughts about myself and just be me. I guess that's the best I can do. I'm still determined to lose ten more pounds by the end of the summer and I don't care what it takes. Plus if my skin doesn't begin to clear up by the summer I need to go out and get some good cover up + other make-up and such. I never wear make up. The occasional lip gloss and that's about it. I think maybie it's time to start. I sound way to depression this blog. Cause I tend to always write when something is bothering me. I have no idea what has gotten into me this summer. I haven't been so depressed in a while. Kayla-rose , I mean seriously I'm getting upset over superficial things like looks. But come on we all agree that looks DO matter. I mean guys want a sexy girl right. I guess I look at the media too much. I mean the music videos and stuff. Rockstars & rappers are always with gorgeous girls. They wouldn't look twice at someone with Acne and slightly frizzy hair like myself. But I have finally decided that this will be the LAST post (atleast for a while) that I make about my skin. Because I keep talking and talking about it. & I guess its even annoying me now. Hopefully I just grow out of it.
Anyway I need to finish packing, I will write another post as soon as I get back from camping :)

So, lately I have been stuggling alot with my appearance.
I'm a very self-concious person. I guess you could say I'm too hard on myself and I point out the negative parts of my body so much its ridiculous. Before it used to be my weight. But now that I have that under control, its right now my skin. I mean lets just say I have less then perfect skin.
I'm so sick of it I mean I've tried everything and I'm giving up hope on having clear skin. It's depressing. Never in my life have I ever felt pretty, and one day I just want to feel pretty. I know it sounds stupid but its true. I mean everywhere I go I see gorgeous girls with really perfect skin, and a perfect weight. Ugh! Secretly I'm scared of losing my boyfriend. I mean the girls he had been with before me where skinny and have super nice skin and they are super super super nice. So what the hell does he see in me? Honestly I don't know because I'm not skinny by any means. I have WAY less then perfect skin. My acne is definately a problem. And I'm bitchy to him alot. I keep thinking he'll find prettier, nicer girls then me which makes my self confidence and my self esteem sink really low. Its honestly been making me really depressed. I just want to lay in my room and do nothing but sleep. I feel down and sad all the time. Which is affecting my relationship with erik as well. Ugh, I hate feeling like this.

I guess I just need to rant somwhere , and my blog seems like thee perfect place.
But there is some good news of thee day. I'm going camping w/ thee boyfriend and thee family. Which is going to be hopefully fun. First of all I'm shocked my parents are letting him come in the first place. Secondly, I'm suprised his parents are letting him come. But who cares about all of that. HE CAN COME which makes me a little happier.

But seriously I'm sick of feelng terrible about my body.
I've spent this whole freaking summer hiding out in my room cause I dont wanan go in public cause I look disqusting. :(

Who knew bad skin can make a person depressed.
Well I guess It does :(

Long time

Well, I haven't written a post in a while.
During the school year I spent alot of time studying and doing homework.
Then my ANCIENT desktop decided to finally die.
So I went without a computer for about a month until my birthday when my wonderful parents decided to get me a pink Sony Vaio. Which is like my child. I love this thing, no joke. Everything about it is wonderful. Even the webcam has good quality. So my summer has been pretty relaxing. I workout everyday, and then chill. But I've been getting NO sleep. If I'm lucky I will get a good 3 and a half hours of sleep every night. I usually don't go to bed until four or five. If I sleep at all, and then I usually wake up whenever the sun decides to come up because I have no curtains in my bedroom and the sun wakes me up. I am not looking forward to school starting cause my sleeping habits are so messed up right now. The first day of school is going to be BRUTAL. Okay so I want to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend for a minute. Things were going pretty bad for a while. Our relationship was litterally hanging by a thin string. But I think things are getting better now :). We made it through a difficult thing, and I believe that our relationship is better and stronger because of it. Erik and I haven't spent as much time togetherthis summer as we had hoped to. I went camping for eight days. I came back we had a little less then a week together before he went to his cottage. He Just came back yesturday, and I'm going camping again for five days this saturday coming up. Then when I get back we have a good two weeks together then he's going back to his cottage for a week or two.
Well I can't complain because many people can't see their boyfriends / girlfriends at all this summer. I guess I just miss how it was last summer when we were together ALL THE TIME. If I could go back to last summer I would, it was amazing and the best summer so far. This summer was kind of boring. I have spent alot of time sitting in my room on facebook & gurl.com
But I'm going to a party today which should be some fun. I'm going to my parents friends house with my parents. Normally I definately wouldn't go. But they have a son a year older then me. I think of what I remember the last time I had seen him. He was very cute. I know I have a boyfriend, but that doesn't mean I can't look right? Haha!

Last night

Was fun , amazingly strong red wine, UFC fights, And plenty of Delicious foods :)

rough morning

Ugh, the last few nights i have gotten like NO sleep whatsoever.
Wednsday night i stayed up all fricken night doing math homework.
When i finally passed out halfway through....my math teacher gives us crazy ammounts of homework ! & then thursday i stayed up till like three working on my script for religion class.. i had to get it finished. & i woke up at like sixthirty?
Then last night, i was at my boyfriends w/ a bunch of people filming the actual project.
We had to do a talk show about the characters abraham, sarah, and Hagar from the bible.
w.e so it took forever because this one guy in our group is an idiot and couldnt remmember ANY of his lines & hes a horrible actor. So i actually had to right his lines in BIG letters and hold them up for him to read...and he still couldnt do it.. so it took for ever to get the scenes actually decent.
Then i went home, and couldnt sleep cause these creepy shadows in my bedroom... haha im a big baby. But then today which is saturday morning. I wake up at six something,.
wth? and i tried to go back to sleep but the sunlight wont let me.
& i gotta go this party today after i work , great. maybe some alchohol will give me energy :)
But i dont gotta work till ten today , i can still squeeze in a nap :)

EASTER WEEKEND.

Okay so this is my very first blog ever, i need to get used to it.
But this weekend is easter weekend, im pretty pumped.
With a catholic family and all its a pretty big deal and what not.
My family is huge and we always have these big dinners and its always lots of fun.
Plus a four day weekend. Thats the life right?
The long weekend actually started off really good.
During third period our school went on 'code red'
as they said , which means someone had a weapon or something.
So our school went on lockdown.
Its science class so we had to sit under the lab benches it was very uncomfortable.
But it was fun, the lockdown started about ten minutes before fourth periood and it last like an hour and fifteen minutes. So basically we got realeased five minutes before school was over>
But they still told us to go to fourth , which is really ridiculas. I was really happy i got to miss my fourth period though , its religion, and although the teacher is pretty coool, its religion right,?
So everyone was going to skip, but i wanted to go because i wanted to find out what mark i got on my test . > it was a 97 by the way :)
And then i finally got my cellphone back because some math teacher confiscated it in class. Stupid me forgot to put it on vibrate.

But yesturday, which is good friday
i went to some lunch thing with my dads side of the family,
And i dragged my boyfriend erik along with me.
It was pretty fun, we were sitting there watching peter pan like cool kids do :)
Then we went to his house for some fishfry thing.
i dont eat fish but it was still fun
his family is ginourmous (bad grammar i know)
and it was pretty fun, until we got into this huge fight.
But it all worked out. & we had a long serious talk about our relationship.
it was really good for us. :)
Im really happy , holidays always make me so happy.