Self esteem

So, once again today my self esteem is really low, i hate feeling like i do all the time. Ninety persent of the time i just wanna sit at hme ad hide my hideous face under the blankets and stay away from the rest of the world. But i know that's not really possible. Like for example, today i was feeling incrediably awful today. Extreamly depressed and unhappy. I blew off my workout whihc makes me feel really fat +like a complete failure at life. I meani cant even keep a stupid workout schedual what is wrong with me? I smoked a big fat blunt which made me happy, but then i ate ALOT , and very unhealthy too :( So im sitting here feeling like a big, fat ogre, i can't wait to workout, im gonna workout EXTRA tomorrow, and maybie not eat tomorrow, God knows I ate enough today to last me a fucking week. Blah, but what kinda bugs me is my mom said I'm getting Obsessed with working out. She says i revolve my whole life around it ? What the hell? She also said  that its unhealthy that i get so upset when i don;t workout, and she said i do it too much? Is that possible. So i ended up being w/ my boyfriend tonight which also sucks caused my sex drive is rlly low, due to the hatred toward my body. :(

Haven't posted in a while

So, its been a while since I blogged.
It's not even like I've been busy, honestly, I've been sitting around in my house pretty much allday. Doing nothing but eat,workout, watch tv,workout, sleep.
Yeah, because my lovely boyfriend is on vacation all week and my bestfriend is camping like eight hours away from where i live. Two of my other friends are camping somewhere as well, Blah. So yeah I'm just laying in my moms room (cause its the coldest room in my house) because our central air is BROKEN. & its HOT in this house.
Listening to some escape the fate. Normally i don't like rock music. But escape the fate is simply amazing =) I'm listening to Situations by the way. Not that it has any importance. So on friday I'm leaving to go to Niagra falls =) I can't wait to get out of this city. I'm only gonna be there till sunday. I'm visiting some family. But I'm bringing my laptop with me.
Thats about all seeing as nothing has been happening so I have nothing to blog about.

My life :(

I don't understand why I feel this way.
I mean, an outsider looking in must think I have such a great life.
Atleast thats what my bestfriend Ashlee told me. She told me I have the most perfect life, andd that she was jealous. Is she serious? My life perfect? I highly doubt that. I seriously don't even understand the point of life right now. I'm spiriling downward fast, and I don't understand why, or how its happening. Like four months ago my life was going great. How can things change so fast. For years I was miserable, I guess it started in seventh grade. I was never happy, I hated life. I wanted to die and I felt like this for years, all the way up until the end of my freshman year. And then I met Erik, and for once in my life I felt like everything was going to be okay.
He showed me that life is good, and that everything works out. I was truly happy, but now I'm starting to be sad all the time, and I figured hey I must be having a bad few days, but days turned into weeks, weeks to months. I haven't been happy in a while, I'm not even 100% sure why. All I know is I've been depressed. But the thing is I've always been the girl people come to for advice. I don't let people in, I can't people just tend to dissapoint me whenever I let them in. I don't get the point of handing out your trust to someone, because it gives them the power to hurt you and betray you, I'll never let that happen to me ever again. So I keep everything to myself. But it gets so hard, its so hard right now. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I've made some pretty bad mistakes in this last few months and I've been trying hard to keep them a secret. But then again this gets hard. My heart is shaky, I have a loving, sweet, sensitive, funny amazing boyfriend. I should be estatic, he's perfect. But why aren't I? Why do I get all of these feelings that I don't want to be with him. I guess I'm confused about what I want. All I know is I seriously Am hurting and I have nobody to lean on. The world is one big scary place and I feel all alone in it and it really does hurt. Somedays I have to try so hard to keep my compure, to stay strong, to act happy. Other days I just feel like a zombie. I have everyone fooled. They all think I'm fine . I have this acting thing perfected. I'm not the girl everyone thinks I am.
I've always been a party girl, and probably always will but i think i might have a alchohl problem. I'm not really sure what the definition of a 'alchohol problem' is but i think I do.
Whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps I get drunk, is that bad? All I want is to be happy. I'm trying hard to be strong, trying to take the advice i give to other people. I always tell them to hold on and that things will get better, but how come I don't believe it myself?

I think I need help :(

Busy Busy Summer

Wow, so has this week ever been busy.
Friday and saturday I partied with one of my really close friends.
Whom I sort of had a fling with a little while ago.
Don't get me wrong, I Fstill have feelings for him. But I'm just trying to be his 'friend' and not anything else. But the night got kind of crazy. So sunday, I spent the day swimming at thee boyfriends and then going out to dinner at my grandparents house. Monday I had to work allday. Yesturday, was my lazy day, which i definately needed. Today I gotta get ready and leave for a BBQ soon, and then babysit my 10 year old cousin all night. Joy.
Tomorrow after the kid leaves I have plans to smoke weed with my friend katie, and then later that night drink with my friend stephanie, and end up sleeping at her home. Friday I have more drinking and smoking plans, but malling and going to bowling as well till about 1:00 in the morning. I'm unsure of my plans after that.

Blah, so yesturday I tried to make a post but for some reason it wasn't working properly.
So, yeah :D I don't know when I''ll get a free moment this week probably saturday morning before I go baby sit.

Love and kisses ,
kayla :)

Fun last night

So, I'm kinda sorta only waking up now and I wanted to make a quick post.
Because I had tons of fun last night and I wanna talk about it =)
So I was with my neighbour who happens to also be a very close friend of mine.
He was house sitting and he decided to have a few people over. We smoked alot of weed, went for walks at like four in the morning, ate alot, played madden, watched movies, blared some music and alot of people were getting freaky, stayed up all night came home and crashed till about 12:30. I'm probably going back there tonight except tonight we are getting alchohol. Which I have to be careful about cause get crazy when drunk.

Twitter

So, today I officially joined twitter.
Suprise suprise, these websites NAB people so quick and become so popular so fast.
I honestly don't know how. But the whole twitter phenomenom hasn't really hit my city yet. I don't really know anybody around where I live who actually has twitter. But then again, I always tend to join things before everyone else around here does.
Back when myspace was popular I joined way before everyone else. Everyone was like myspace thats gay. Cause they all rocked bebo.com. Haha, then facebook I joined before alot of everyone else did. Just a matter of time before everyone is tweeting on twitter. Ah well, I don't think I grasp the conscept very much. Oh and speaking of which about websites.

If anyone happens to read this and has herd about quizilla.com you guys should definately check it out. Its one of my favourite websites. Definately good for showing your creativity. You can write blogs, poems. song lyrics, stories and make quizes. Good stuff. My user name is Kayla Dolan in anyone one of you want to check it out. I'm in the process of making two stories.
One thats kinda based on One Tree Hill. And another that is completely my creative genius-ness. Its about this boarding school. I'm just getting started on it =)

Becoming an obsession

I think my whole "I want to be skinny and pretty" thing is starting to become an obsession. I worry about my looks all the time. I never ever find myself attractive. I see all these gorgeous girls and it makes me sad. Pathetic? I know but I can't help it. But I decided to make a little blog before I leave to go camping. Summer is going by pretty quickly. It hasn't really been anything special but oh well. I've been upset and frusturated by the simplest things lately. It makes me wonder to myself When did I become some emotional? I don't know its all confusing to me. I need to just try to push away negative thoughts about myself and just be me. I guess that's the best I can do. I'm still determined to lose ten more pounds by the end of the summer and I don't care what it takes. Plus if my skin doesn't begin to clear up by the summer I need to go out and get some good cover up + other make-up and such. I never wear make up. The occasional lip gloss and that's about it. I think maybie it's time to start. I sound way to depression this blog. Cause I tend to always write when something is bothering me. I have no idea what has gotten into me this summer. I haven't been so depressed in a while. Kayla-rose , I mean seriously I'm getting upset over superficial things like looks. But come on we all agree that looks DO matter. I mean guys want a sexy girl right. I guess I look at the media too much. I mean the music videos and stuff. Rockstars & rappers are always with gorgeous girls. They wouldn't look twice at someone with Acne and slightly frizzy hair like myself. But I have finally decided that this will be the LAST post (atleast for a while) that I make about my skin. Because I keep talking and talking about it. & I guess its even annoying me now. Hopefully I just grow out of it.
Anyway I need to finish packing, I will write another post as soon as I get back from camping :)