i think its really over.

So, I've spent all day today crying, I really think me and erik are over.
He said he wanted to break-up but still wanted to be friends.
But now he's saying he isnt sure if he wants to breakup and he's confused but no matter what we said we'll be friends. Ugh, my heart is litterally breaking right now and it sucks big time.

I messed up.

I messed up BIG time, and I'm going to lose my boyfriend because of it.
I can't believe i let myself do that?
I can't stop crying, yet i deserve no sympathy.
I'm the one who screwed up and im paying for it.
People don't look at me the same, my boyfriend treats me diffrently.
I don't think he'll forgive me. I don't think he'll trust me again.
I'm just a screw up in life.
Things would be so much better off without me that's for sure.

Today

So today was a pretty good day in general.
Although I am not to happy about the freezing cold weather.
Ever year it seems to get colder and colder during the winter.
It's only the beginning of October, why is it so cold?
This makes Canadian stereotypes about our weather seem so true.
Today I went to the football game, I made a bad mistake of wearing short shorts.
It poured rain and was freezing cold.
But we won, finally we never win cause we are a very terrible team.
None of the guys have any dicipline.

I was watching 90210 earlier
Oh man , When I first found out they were remaking 90210 I was so angry.
I said "I am never going to start watching that." But I did, and I'M ADDICTED TO IT.
Embarressing I know, It's my guilty pleasure.

I'm really hungry, I burnt off alot of calories from working out earlier but i didn't eat after.
Totally regretting that, because it isn't healthy to eat after 7pm and in my time zone it is officially 10:40pm.
So no food for kayla-rose.

So I'm just going to sleep instead which is a suprise suprise since I rarely sleep.
But I'm in much need of catching up on some Z's.

Goodnight =)

It's been a while

So I haven't made a post in a long while.
Manly because my internet wasn't fully functioning.
Plus school's back in session and I am oh so busy learning.
Alot has been going on, me and erik haven't been seeing much of each other. I can sense our relationship going down the tubes.
I'm getting serious feelings for another boy, I don't think this is going to end well for neither me or erik :(
I wish I could stay happy with him , but I'm not so who Am I kidding?

Self esteem

So, once again today my self esteem is really low, i hate feeling like i do all the time. Ninety persent of the time i just wanna sit at hme ad hide my hideous face under the blankets and stay away from the rest of the world. But i know that's not really possible. Like for example, today i was feeling incrediably awful today. Extreamly depressed and unhappy. I blew off my workout whihc makes me feel really fat +like a complete failure at life. I meani cant even keep a stupid workout schedual what is wrong with me? I smoked a big fat blunt which made me happy, but then i ate ALOT , and very unhealthy too :( So im sitting here feeling like a big, fat ogre, i can't wait to workout, im gonna workout EXTRA tomorrow, and maybie not eat tomorrow, God knows I ate enough today to last me a fucking week. Blah, but what kinda bugs me is my mom said I'm getting Obsessed with working out. She says i revolve my whole life around it ? What the hell? She also said  that its unhealthy that i get so upset when i don;t workout, and she said i do it too much? Is that possible. So i ended up being w/ my boyfriend tonight which also sucks caused my sex drive is rlly low, due to the hatred toward my body. :(

Haven't posted in a while

So, its been a while since I blogged.
It's not even like I've been busy, honestly, I've been sitting around in my house pretty much allday. Doing nothing but eat,workout, watch tv,workout, sleep.
Yeah, because my lovely boyfriend is on vacation all week and my bestfriend is camping like eight hours away from where i live. Two of my other friends are camping somewhere as well, Blah. So yeah I'm just laying in my moms room (cause its the coldest room in my house) because our central air is BROKEN. & its HOT in this house.
Listening to some escape the fate. Normally i don't like rock music. But escape the fate is simply amazing =) I'm listening to Situations by the way. Not that it has any importance. So on friday I'm leaving to go to Niagra falls =) I can't wait to get out of this city. I'm only gonna be there till sunday. I'm visiting some family. But I'm bringing my laptop with me.
Thats about all seeing as nothing has been happening so I have nothing to blog about.

My life :(

I don't understand why I feel this way.
I mean, an outsider looking in must think I have such a great life.
Atleast thats what my bestfriend Ashlee told me. She told me I have the most perfect life, andd that she was jealous. Is she serious? My life perfect? I highly doubt that. I seriously don't even understand the point of life right now. I'm spiriling downward fast, and I don't understand why, or how its happening. Like four months ago my life was going great. How can things change so fast. For years I was miserable, I guess it started in seventh grade. I was never happy, I hated life. I wanted to die and I felt like this for years, all the way up until the end of my freshman year. And then I met Erik, and for once in my life I felt like everything was going to be okay.
He showed me that life is good, and that everything works out. I was truly happy, but now I'm starting to be sad all the time, and I figured hey I must be having a bad few days, but days turned into weeks, weeks to months. I haven't been happy in a while, I'm not even 100% sure why. All I know is I've been depressed. But the thing is I've always been the girl people come to for advice. I don't let people in, I can't people just tend to dissapoint me whenever I let them in. I don't get the point of handing out your trust to someone, because it gives them the power to hurt you and betray you, I'll never let that happen to me ever again. So I keep everything to myself. But it gets so hard, its so hard right now. I don't know how to explain how I feel. I've made some pretty bad mistakes in this last few months and I've been trying hard to keep them a secret. But then again this gets hard. My heart is shaky, I have a loving, sweet, sensitive, funny amazing boyfriend. I should be estatic, he's perfect. But why aren't I? Why do I get all of these feelings that I don't want to be with him. I guess I'm confused about what I want. All I know is I seriously Am hurting and I have nobody to lean on. The world is one big scary place and I feel all alone in it and it really does hurt. Somedays I have to try so hard to keep my compure, to stay strong, to act happy. Other days I just feel like a zombie. I have everyone fooled. They all think I'm fine . I have this acting thing perfected. I'm not the girl everyone thinks I am.
I've always been a party girl, and probably always will but i think i might have a alchohl problem. I'm not really sure what the definition of a 'alchohol problem' is but i think I do.
Whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps I get drunk, is that bad? All I want is to be happy. I'm trying hard to be strong, trying to take the advice i give to other people. I always tell them to hold on and that things will get better, but how come I don't believe it myself?

I think I need help :(